I'm the one without a soul.
I'm the one with this big fucking hole.

Fuck updating daily.

I need more audio hardware. Synths, drum machines... screw software.
Soon, I'm most likely getting a sound card and new headphones. Although maybe I'll save some money for a synth.

Today I implemented a ring buffer in C, and learned a lot about pointers and structs. I'm kinda proud. :D

Remind me later to write about the INSANE microprocessor project I'm working on for co-op. I can't right now; I've signed an NDA.

I forgot how good Linkin Park's first album was - they had it on shuffle at Neon, as well as pretty much everything else Chester sang from around that time. Good stuff.

Dragonflies with burning wings
landing, burning everything
caught one in a bottle just to watch it fall apart.

Blackened, smoking, dying sky
ashen landscape, dead and dry
slowly, gravity will synchronize my beating heart.

I hate how I never do anything.

Note to self: memorize apt sources.

So, Co-Op at Fidus rules.

Other news!

...none to report.

*sing-song voice*

I did nothing today! :D

Haha. Tonight, I went to a Christian rave. No joke. It was called Psalm 113, and it was being held by HEAT. (High-Energy Audio Truth - I'm serious.)

I was impressed.

No, really. They had nice paintings with glow paint, many different lights, a well-enough-stocked concession stand (candy, red bull, red rave, streamers?). Plus, they had a projector. Sure, they were just running GForce full-screen on a Mac, but hey, they were really trying!

The DJs? I don't really know if any of them were mixing (a couple didn't even have headphones on) but the music was fun enough. For a few hours it was like world music/house, then YDecoded came on and played acidy tech/house / psy. But it was good!

Also, the venue was choice. I'd use it in a second.

So, for $5, I got a nice mix CD from YDecoded, a possible venue, and I still had fun!

Who knew?

Party time!

Remember all that stuff about me doing well this year? Passing school, being better to my friends, generally just improving everything?

Yeah, apparently all that was bullshit.

I am absolutely, one-hundred-percent unable to complete even the simplest task. I can't focus, I can't make myself work long enough to do what's really about ten minutes worth of Powerpoint. I'm still a terrible (boy)friend to everyone. I'd love to express myself with music, but there's some sort of deficiency between my thoughts and my computer. Oh, right. Talent.

It all comes down to something like this: I'm not really alive. I'm just going through the motions. I do what I assume others would do in any given situation. I'm not a personality, I'm a script. I'm a program. I'm a big fucking choose-your-own-ending book.

I guess somewhere between birth and now, I faded away. How exactly do I get myself back?

Nothing interesting happened today, so...

MERYL STRYFE UPDATE!

I'm still working away at a few tracks. I'm mostly exploring industrial techno at the moment, trying to get a feel for it. As for jungle, I've got a spacey techstep tune as well as The Ultimate Ravetrack VIP in the works!

BERDARDELLI  INSURANCE COMPANY UPDATE!

I'm currently gathering information about venues, talking to a few local DJs about residencies, and so on. When we're ready, the Bernardelli Insurance Company will be officially announced (at which time promo mixes by the residents and I will also be posted.)

I may also start some sort of live act with friends, but I haven't any specifics until I get some people together and jam.

Kid, I'm sorry.

I didn't want to leave you like I did. Really, I didn't. I feel terrible.

I mean, look at me - the big hero! The Assassin of Time! It just... it kills that I can't even bring you a simple antidote. The Doc tells me you need Hydra humour. No problem! You know I'd go to the ends of the Earth to bring you what you need to fight the poison. But honey, it wouldn't matter how far I went - Hydras are extinct. There's nothing I could have done to help. And I hate that.

...Well, I mean, I guess I could have gone back in time and killed a Hydra. You did give me your astral amulet, and that allows me to use Opassa Beach as a wormhole. I could have easily gone ten years back in time and wandered over to the marshes. There, I would find your everyday, garden-variety run-of-the-mill Hydra. After killing it, I'd bring its humour back to you in this timeline.

But baby, I swear to you, I didn't know I could do that! You have to believe me.

But hey, it all turned out for the better, didn't it? After my friends and I sailed away, leaving you to die, didn't a miracle happen? A mysterious man visited the doctor, and didn't he just have some Hydra humour on him? The doctor prepared it, gave it to you, and pretty soon you were back in tip-top shape. That's just... well, I mean, you... we... that's great.

So... no hard feelings?

My clocks are finally in cahoots against me. I can't decide if I'm pleased.

My sound system here at my Dad's is so terrible I can barely stand to play on it. Everything, particularly in the highs, sounds muddled and crunchy. It could be anything. My headshells, carts, stylii, mixer, amp, speakers... the only real way to know for sure is to replace it all, and I haven't got the money or resolve for that.

There is once again drama in my life. The details are irrelevant. I hate everything. Expect even angrier industrial.
Speaking of which, what's new on the Meryl Stryfe front? Zilch. But I'm getting a sound card and headphones soon so hopefully I can produce something that won't make people want to die.

On a completely different note (lol), Chrono Cross is an amazing game. Play it. It's keeping my mind off everyone and how much I twist this sick hate-jealousy around inside me.

Yeah, that's right.

(Current music: Cardopusher - Japanese Hardcore (Ichiban Is The Real Master Of Hardcore Cardopusher Remix). The title was too long to fit in the box provided. I'm serious.)

My god, dreams are funny things. For a while, I won't have any. Then, randomly, I'll have a night packed full of them.
That night was last night.
I don't remember many of the dreams, but one was quite vivid. I dreamt I had woken up, and I called out to my mother to ask what time it was. Not satisfied with her response, I fell back asleep. I repeated this four or five times until she told me it was 12:30 and I decided I'd slept long enough.

Actually, that could have been real.

Today Kayla and I went to see The Happening. Well, we went to see The Happening, but it wasn't running, so we bought tickets to Hancock instead. What the hell, Rainbow Theatres? You have a giant cardboard The Happening thing, and yet it's not running anymore? What.

I won't get into a big "the film could have been better if," but I wasn't completely impressed with the ending. It felt like they'd written a very good, dramatic hero movie, then realized it had to have a happy ending or the public at large wouldn't understand. I wish more movies had endings that felt like the proper conclusion to the film, like Reqiuem for a Dream.

Besides, if Hancock and that chick had just died, it would have set the guy with the hook up for the lead role as a supervillain in the sequel.

You're not Alexander the Great. I'M Alexander the Great.

Success.

Today, my alarm clock went off first. A long, shrill ring that slowly faded away. It got me mostly awake. Then, just as I drifted off, my cell phone alarm went off. That did it. At least these things are working now?

Work was hectic. We all got kind of stressed and I yelled at people. It felt good.

After work, a friend and I went to see Hamlet 2. My GOD, it was so good. Go see it, now. I want to compare it to The Producers, but they're really different. The only similarity, I guess, is that they're both movies about people who make a musical. And they're both hysterical.

Oh, and we've decided to immediately start work on God Hand: The Musical. (http://www.gamefaqs.com/console/ps2/home/932558.html)

I ran into an old grade 7/8 classmate on the way home. In the four+ years we haven't seen eachother, he's become way more gorgeous. I really don't think I've changed at all. This troubles me. =/ Maybe it's just my own perception? I hope so...

I seem to get emo/moody/sad at around nine every night. It's uncanny how it happens almost on cue. Maybe I should look into this...

This morning, my cell phone alarm went off, my alarm clock did not. I guess that's progress.
English class was replaced with a worthless assembly. Lunch was limp and uninspired. Co-op was endless, but I was partially saved by my discovery of the digitalgunfire.com live industrial stream. Thank you, Internet.

Oh, and I had work this afternoon. I knew this because I ran into Spencer at Rideau yesterday, and he told me so. Good communication is key.

Enter the shift from hell. Giggling teenage girls. In-jokes. Nicknames. Quite possibly the longest three-to-six of my life.

You know you're a loser when it's seven on a friday night, and you're at home browsing the Best of Craigslist.
(http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/all/)

Ciao.

Heh, LiveJournal. I haven't had one of these since my emo phase.

Some backstory:
When I turned 18, I decided it was time to grow up. I'm pretty behind on responsibility, and if I want to move to Montréal on my own next year, I had better know how to keep myself alive by then. So, I decided I would take an interest in learning to do the things most people my age have known how to do for years. This also includes school: I would shed my careless, underacheiving self for a more interested, academic one.

Fast-forward to today. I woke up at noon.

Well, this is fantastic. My second day back at school and I'm already sleeping in. What a wonderful precedent I've just set. When I woke up, it didn't even feel like a school day. I'm still in summer mode. I hate that everything my father told me about sleep patterns was right.

Well, I'm off to apologize profusely to my English teacher (Grade 12 University-level, what the hell was I thinking?) and get whatever work we were supposed to have done in class.

Then, knowing me, I'll go home and write angry industrial techno. Stay tuned.